Friday, January 18, 2013

heart update

Okay Gang:

It turns out I have a heart.

I saw it on an EKG today. The Doc and I chatted bout my fatigue and right now there isn’t a cardiac reason I should be tired. He tends to think some of my fatigue is caused by working out like a 20 year old, when I am 55 year old and it is just taking me longer to recover. I guess we’ll see.

I have to have a stress test the week after next, so we’ll see. After that I’m going to get my ejection fraction checked in February. He gave the “after all you’ve been through speech.”

You know, “After all you’ve been through, blah, blah, blah.”

I hate that speech; it is permission to roll over and quit trying. I refuse to approach any of this reasonably. Reasonableness is the fastest way to ensure a slow recovery. If the Lymphoma gods are conspiring against me, there they’re in for a fight.

It’s right up there with “you have to be realistic.”

Let me tell you what I believe. I know it is wrong, but that doesn’t’ matter; I believe it anyway. Cancer cells in general and blood cancer cells specifically, are thinking entities that wait for moments of weakness and attack. When you’re in treatment, they wait until your miserable and for you to start doubting your inevitable victory and then they counter attack. When you’re in recovery you have to be ever vigilant because when you embrace the easier, “After all you’ve been through,” mentality these bastards come roaring back for another try at you. It is the maintaining a belief of inevitable victory that gives you the best chance.

Does that mean people who die of cancer were somehow mental or spiritually weak? Or they only have themselves to blame?  Of course not. What it does mean is attitude has multiplicative effect when fighting these snot-nosed cancer cells. It means they wait for weakness. It means do hard things like exercising when you’re dog-tired that gives you an edge in the long run. It means staying focused. It means rolling out of bed with your IV pole and wandering the hallways regardless of how bad you feel. I t means engaging the people in your life with positive vibes that take to the karmic ether and create a tidal wave of best chances.

When you start sucking your thumb and using you miserable feeling as a crutch, you’re done. You have to provide cancer cells no quarter either physically or psychically. 

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