Ah fudge

It’s very early and I’ve been up for some time just lying in bed saying, “Oh shit!”

I am involved in this project at work and am supposed to be an advisor to this committee doing all the work. Well, I have not paid close enough attention, but it is becoming increasingly clear that the big shots are less than thrilled with the way this thing is going. I guess I need to get “all in” as my good friend puts it. The only problem is I don’t want to deal with it at the moment. I am being petty, but that’s how I feel.

When this whole thing started the big boss told me to keep it at arm’s length, but now that I appear healthier and healthier, those cautions are drifting further and further to the rear. I am so jammed up now at work that I am doing way more than before I got sick. Fudge (I use Fudge instead of another word that begins with Fu). I don’t know how this should be, but it sure doesn’t feel like this should be it.

Also there is no big payoff either. I guess it’s all resume fodder for later on, but I don’t see a whole big work future in the out years for me. That’s not quite right either. I just don’t feel like looking for a new job at the moment especially since my wife just started new one and we are trying to get some debt under control. Fudge I feel trapped today.

What bugs me most I think is that I am one of the “go to guys” in the organization, but there is little payoff besides an ego stroking. I don’t know – fudge. I have about ten “big deal” things I have to get done; big things! Shoot. I wish the only big thing I had to worry about was the project I mentioned earlier, but I have truly ten just like it! I don’t know. I was very optimistic yesterday, but today – not so much.

Oh well, I guess we’ll see. Sometimes I just want to chuck it all.