Work part 1

Work, man oh man, now there is a place where my perspective has change dramatically. It’s funny too, because this time last year all I wanted was life to reset so I could go back to work.

A couple of weeks ago I went to a psychologist appointment to try and make heads or tails over how my perspective had changed and he read me his notes from our first visit.  They said – and I’m paraphrasing here – that I was handling the cancer diagnosis very well, but might have trouble with recovery because all I wanted was to go back to work and life to reset to normal.

That’s nuts! There isn’t anything in there about smelling roses, giggling, stroking my wife’s cheek, or taking a bike ride. Wow.

I remember a time in July when I was freaked out about being separated from my position so I could go on long-term disability. I can’t believe the amount of psychic energy I wasted on that.  If there is any huge change in me I can define this way – I no longer live to work, rather I now work to live.

Part of the reason I came back to work at all was a sense of loyalty to all the people who supported me during the cancer fight. And all that counts for something in my book. I am a deeply loyal guy.

“Do you think people supported you so you’d get back to work, or did they support you because they love you?” the psychologist asked.

“It’s because they care about me,” I said.

“If that’s true, would they still love you if you decided to do something else?” he asked.

“Sure. I guess so. I hope so.”

Then you probably have more options then you’ve considered, he said.

There are a lot of reasons people work. For many it is about money, for some it is about camaraderie, and for others it is something else. Don’t get me wrong I think I should make gazillion dollars more a year – I really do, but money is not a big motivator to me – at this point I’m not quite sure what is. I’ll have to think on that one. Hmmm

It’s funny, sometimes when I write stuff, I get to a sentence or two that I thought I knew what I was going to write and then I have to stop, delete, and rethink my personal feelings – hmmm?

Well that’s it for today. I have to ride my bike, shower and go to work. I’ll pick this up at the same place tomorrow. It’s very hard to put all my contradicting feelings in writing.