survivor rant

Hey Burkittians:
Wassup? I have been thinking deep thoughts of late and wanted your opinions. First, let review the bidding – as they say. I am a two-year-old Burkitt’s survivor and like any other survivor/caregiver I have been through the wringer to get this far, but there is something at the back of my mind that is struggling to get out – actually quite a few things. 

I guess the first thing is surviving and what that means. I have mentioned this in my Tuesday night group, but they it call it “survivor guilt.” 

I am fully aware that not everyone I started my journey with has crossed a finish line and it makes me wonder. Why me? Do I have a responsibility now because I made it and others didn’t? But there is more to it, which at the moment, I am incapable of articulating. Regardless, “survivors guilt” is the wrong phrase.

I think it is more of a survivor’s mystification. Really, there is not a single shred of guilt about being alive. It’s better than the alternative. But I had every complication there is, really I did. And I am still going – not nearly as strong as before, but I can waddle up to ten miles and maybe further if a bear is chasing me. Yet still the question is why me? And if there is a greater power that bestowed this gift of life, what do I do with it? Do I plod away at the Delaware Department of Labor? Do I thank God, or Allah, or the Ultimate Reality and just drive on with life as normal? Do I embrace a higher calling? (Whatever that means.)

I realize there is no universality to these questions. I mean if I choose to hike the Appalachian Trail to celebrate survivorships, or work away to put food on my family’s table, or become a Lymphoma advocate, or just live through today to tomorrow – all of these choices are equally valid. Aren’t they?

I guess that’s the end of my rant for now. More later?